1- When they talk to you using terms you don’t quite understand but agree with anyway, and feel part of “lady-land”

2- Getting the cup of tea and biscut

3-The headrub massage bit. Gawd you try not to look too relaxed but… /moansigh

4- Getting the inevitable holiday question, and being able to mention volcanoes.

5- The MAGICAL SHAMPOO! Gawd knows how they do it. Hair that was ok before seems suddenly WOW with shine and soft and magic. I love it. It always smells wonderful.

6- Hair fudge. I never bother using it normally, it smells amazing.

7- Worrying the whole way through watching your hair fall off you around the chair and then suddenly it takes form and shape. Amazes me.

8- Walking out and it being windy but not TOO windy, enough to make you look like an advert.

Sigh.

I aught to go more often. I feel better already.

Someone left someone else for me. I fell out with mum… again and ended up staying at someone’s house. He gave me the key. I flaked out a week later and gave it back.

I wonder a lot about what would have happened if I had kept the key?

I would have been able to come in and out and in and out and in and out. I might have moved in. I might not have left work or bothered trying to make the social efforts I make.

I wonder if there is some sort of parallel universe or scenario running right now about how I had kept the key and how that all played out- like in ‘sliding doors’.

I wonder about that a lot.

It kinda hurts.

And by kinda I mean lots.

I am going to the QMU president’s dinner and decided to draw my RSVP while on a study break, I’m very proud of it.

I shuddered from the waist down as a scuba clad nerd fired machine guns from a jet pack at a man built like a tank. My brain melted and I had the sensation of hot water being poured over my head down into my very bones. I was numb and tingling simultaneously.

I wasn’t even masturbating.

No, ‘Kick Ass’ was THAT good.

Yeah, it was sick and moral-less with more violence than it would take to explode the brain of an 11 year old, video game playing boy. A young girl stabs grown men in the neck with a lengthy blade while dressed in a mini tartan skirt as a sex kitten in a tight red dress flashes the bad boys at the nerdy, hormonal teenager who fires a tazer into the eyebrows of a coke dealer… Creamed wouldn’t describe what was going on in my pants.

My heart raced, my breathing became heavier, I moaned as the sheer awesomeness of it all pummelled into me relentlessly, growling in my ear how much I liked it this rough. I did. I really did like it this rough.

I didn’t give a shit about the direction, the script, the plot or the dialogue; does it really matter what anyone says when you watch an 11 year old girl take out 8 suited goons using fire arms and general AWESOME?

I perhaps wasn’t orgasming for the same reasons the paedophiles were up the back, furiously tugging on their mini cocks at the thought of hitting on hit girl. I was orgasming because of awesome effects, martial art, bullets, blood, sickening violence and idea of dressing up as a super hero.

Nothing about that film was right. Everything about that film was right because of it.

Here are a few that have been eating me up recently-

“We french kissed on a subway train, he tore my clothes right odd, he ate my heart then he ate my brain”. (Lady Gaga, ‘Monster’)

Not that I engage in hardkore canibalistic S+M in my spare time, rather the line reminds me of the last time I kissed someone and it felt utterly amazing and fresh and new, exciting and carefree. It was QUITE the make out session. About 5 tube stops of pure om nom nommin’ it. Pretty great stuff.

“I wont go down by myself, I’ll go down with my friends” (My Chemical Romance, ‘you know what they do to guys like us in prison’)

I shouted this with the girl I went with to the my chemical romance concert. It was amazing. I love this line. I hate being on my own. I get lonely pretty quickly. I don’t want to be by myself all the time. If I’m going to get caught doing something daft or drunken or silly or dangerous I want to be having a fucking good time with the people I like to call my friends. That’s all I ask.

“Love without pain isn’t really romance” (Royksopp, ‘Only this moment’)

This one is mine. These are my lyrics. I don’t care about how many thousands of people have heard the song and related to it. I don’t care who has done what to this song. These lyrics have convinced me very hard things to do have been worth it. I live for the romance. I seek the romance. I want the romance. I’m going to cry on the way. These are my lyrics.

I don’t care.

This is not because I am a terrible person, uselessly ignorant or braindead.

This is because finding myself a house and job while passing exams, trying to patch family relationships up and generally get myself into a better position in life is far more pressing.

Carry on.

I didn’t plan to start with that paragraph, this post was supposed to be all about this playlist I spent time making and why but I noticed all of the songs I would attribute as being able to make something inside me force its way out into a smile seem to be from that era when I was discovering my own things, being a limewire whore and harry potter fangirl.

The reason I am as I am. (spotify link)

My teenage self, I still have all those clothes, and the same hair.

1- It ended on an Oily stage- British Sea Power I really like BSP. They are mental and middle class, associations I’d hope someone would use on me. This is the first track on the “Open Season” (2005, natch) which I came across in the library in Kirkintiloch in the days where I used to hang out there by myself hoping to come across some nice chap in the sci fi section while reading any book I could get my hands on with an oriental looking cover- start at the Z section, that was my trick.I borrowed it in the summer, it made me feel elitist because the album is very indie and wouldn’t have been in the top 40 UK which is where previously all my music had come from. I was becoming my own person. It is a song I associate with growing up.

2- When the day turns into night- Busted. I was a busted fan girl back in the day. I could still sing to you about the year 3000, air hostesses, saying no to you in the disco and sleeping with the light on. This track was from their first album back in 2004 and I always imagined if I was ever to learn to play the guitar and sing with someone I was in love with this would be one of the tracks (I also imagined walking along lakesides with Daniel Radcliffe during the evenings after all his filming was done… hey, it was in Scotland? I was young, don’t judge me). I still think the track is pretty, I still pretend to be able to sing in harmony to it and I still fancy Charlie.

3- Demolition Lovers- My Chemical Romance To be honest I don’t think I could listen to this track all the way through, but I adore the start of it. This is from the MCR album back in 2002 from a cheery titled “I brought you my bullets, you brought me your love”… yeah. I had a friend called Claire, she was an emo kid who plastered her walls with dead looking boys and used to worship Kerrang. She introduced me to lots of emo but I was happiest in lame MCR territory. Lyrics to this track are lame as fuck and totally worth listening to for lolz, back in the day MCR were unknown and had a different drummer. They like to pretend this album doesn’t exist. It’s not as clean and studio produced as thier newer stuff but that’s why I like it. I like the grainy. I miss being a faux-emo kid.

4- Gravity’s Rainbow- Klaxons Does anyone else remember nu-rave? Was I the only one? A totally NME craze involving about 3 big bands and 20 spin offs who all enjoyed the pleasures of being MDMAzing and general middle class white cocks with rich parents, too much time and an art school degree. The album came out in 2007. I was bored of emo and being in high school still needed to make myself kool. Long before your boyfriend started talking about Hadoken! and skins I was there, absorbing NME, wearing fluorescents with my black and whites, wearing coloured eyeliner and raving to guitars. I was there before channel 4 stole the gossip and made them famous. I was there. The Klaxons may have fizzled out faster than they appeared, but for the 10 minutes they were around, I was a nu-raver, knew everything and partied in the Shitdisco caravan.

5- Carrion- British Sea Power My love of British Sea Power can be tracked back to this, a track I discovered on a Daniel Radcliffe itunes playlist which I subsequently downloaded via limewire and every track made it onto my top 25 played (which was very important in those days). The track caught me in its magic at the words “Scappa Flow” which I still think is awesome. I saw them live at the Hinterlands in the Arches, I cried at this track. I swayed a bit and swigged my stella from its bottle and shut my eyes and in that moment I became 15 (not that I was in the arches or drinking beer at 15) as I imagined Harry Potter standing behind me giving me a hug, me wearing my trilby hat and my converse printed H+M dress and for the first time in about 18 months I didn’t care about real people. I wanted to play pretend again. The gig was like a lease of life. I love this track.

6- Take me out- Franz Ferdinand. It was in Asda somewhere on the east coast I bought this album in 2003. That sounds a throwaway comment but its a big thing. This was the first album I legitimately bought with my own money. I was in second year. My friend Charlotte liked them because her sister used to be in a band with one of them, she is at Oxford now, she seems a million light years away from me as I am now. The album is track on track is one of my favorite albums of all time. Every song is pop and repetitive and singable and although I don’t listen to it all the time I still know every single word and beat. Every part of it is well constructed and every part of it made me proud to be from Glasgow. Franz went downhill from there.

7-  Hitchin’ a Ride- Green Day. It’s not my favourite Green Day track but it is from my favourite album. I got into Green day around the same time as the rest of the world- 2004 American Idiot. But after saturating my brain with that I knew there had to be more. The library was my teacher again, I came across Nimrod (1997) in 2005 and burned it to a CD that I took on holiday with me. I fell in love, every song was just… rock. I was how I imagined I wanted to write rock music if I was writing it. I can’t explain it. This track is pure bass guitar. It is the first track I imagined filming a music video to. I had a vision of dust and trucks and wild west and tyres and petrol stations and well… the track felt grown up. Not many people knew how awesome it was. I liked that.

8-Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo- Bloodhound Gang. The tail end of my mid teens I became sexually aware. Not active mind but aware, the age when you start looking at the opposite sex and wondering “would they want to… well… with me?” and not doing much about it. I discovered being loud and abrasive and generally known as being quite manly there was little change of me scoring tail at school so I didn’t bother with them and turned my attentions to outside activities. However, I did find I had no problem talking about it in crude and rather detailed manners. I had no issue with being in your face. This song sums it up. This one track had over 600 listens on my old itunes, and that was in about 6 months. I’ve had sex to this song, I’ve danced to this song, I’ve seen this song live, I’ve dressed up as a boy in front of the mirror and pretended to perform it that way. I wish I’d wrote this. It’s just awesome. Wall to wall innuendo and shameless nonsense… ugh. It’s just amazing. Anyone who doesn’t get it shouldn’t talk to me.

There are others I guess, early paramore days, arcade fire, early panic!, fob (who I only didn’t like because they were a bit mainstream and the other kids liked them), aiden, scissor sisters, early killers…

It’s a long list. I could do this all day. But I ought to go eat or something.

Ah nostalgia.

I seem to be doing art.

I might just commit and make it a personal webcomic, for no ones benefit but my own really, and upload stuff. The art is poor, the drawing needs work and I’m a bit of a joke. I don’t like using real programmes yet because I’m still just having a bit of a laugh. It is wonderfully distracting and the sense of achivement I get it wonderful.

When I don’t think about it then everything is pretty great. I can function normally, make conversation, laugh and have a good time. I think about future times and wonder what I will get up to. I think about places I want to go or be or…

And then it enters my head again. I want to reverse everything and flip everything back to being in ok mode where I had my little addiction and my life and I could balance them and I was doing it well and everything was ok apart from the times it wasn’t ok.

The lack of sense in the previous sentence is the reason I had to kick my habit.

I wasn’t on drugs or anything, I’m no alcoholic, I don’t compulsivly need one thing. More like one person.

I am kicking the 2 year habit. It is killing me.

And it’s only day 1… we are technically into day 2 I think.

It is not going well. I will break before the end.

The book says 60 days minimum. I don’t think I’ll last that. I’ve done months before, we ended up back at the start again. I’ve told myself NOT AGAIN. Not again…

Bugger.

I addmited to stuff. Sometimes the only way to get the ball rolling is to admit to fault. So I did. I told someone I had been doing them wrong. I told dates and places and times. I gave proof to make it look like I wasn’t just lying. I told them I was disgusted.

I told someone else they were being very unfair. I told them how I felt about them and how I didn’t want to deal with it any more.

I was proud of me.

I figured lots of new stuff is happening. I have new people to talk to, new things to do, new places to be and to see and everything is pretty fun. I am going to just give it everything I have and see where it ends up. Unfortunately its a bit of a steep ladder and climbing up a ladder while trying to hold on to a big old bag of past is too hard… so I let go.

I deleted everything I could get my hands on. I had a book of drawings I destroyed. I had a CD (how vintage) I threw out. I destroyed everything.

I was pretty happy. I am pretty happy (well… watch mean girls and try and be upset, can’t be done).

I went nuclear.

The fall out will not be pretty. I don’t care.

I’m sticking to my story.